Better or Bitter???

I wasn't even sure if I should post something.  It has been an embarrassing long time since I posted anything at all.  Life has been extremely busy since my last post.  I spent the spring semester observing a kindergarten class two days a week and taking night classes 4 nights a week.  I took two classes over the summer, and in August I began my last semester at Ole Miss.  Which means I am planning and teaching full time until the end of November, not to mention my assignments for my classes.  I've also been able to do a little traveling since last year.  I went to the mountains in Gatlinburg.  I was lucky enough to go to the beach in Florida three times this summer.  I also went to Atlanta to see the Chipper Jones Farewell game.  Chipper has been my favorite baseball player since I was 14 years old.  It was overwhelming to be able to experience that.  I went to a number of concerts, met new friends, watched the Giants win the Superbowl and the Cardinals win the World Series and make it back to the League Championship Series this year, spent countless hours enjoying my children, spent about the same amount of hours chasing Carson out of stuff, and began working at a fabulous hair salon with some amazing girls.

So as I'm sitting here recollecting, and typing all these experiences it's even more clear that I have come a long way in the past two years and three months.  I am about to graduate.  As in, no more school, and a job!  After graduation, I am taking my babies to Disney World with my cousin and her family.  Then who knows...the world's wide open.  My point is that I did it.  I picked up the pieces.  Looks like I put them back together too.  Two years later I'm all better.....well, I wouldn't go that far.  See what I wasn't aware of is that when you put yourself back together, you apparently don't put the pieces back the same way.  So, here I am all put back together, but I'm different.  I am a totally different person than I was before my family was ripped apart.  In many ways I'm better.  I'm stronger, I'm more determined, I'm definitely smarter.  I'm a different mother in good ways and not so good ways.  I loose my patience more, but that may be due to Carson being in his terrible two's.  Check back with me on that one.  I appreciate a lot of the changes I see in myself.  I loathe the rest of them.   I wouldn't call me bitter...ok, maybe I would.  I'm mad.  I get mad when I see a family out in public.  I'm mad that that woman's husband didn't cheat on her and leave her with two small kids to figure it out on her own.  I'm mad that I can't let people get close to me.  I'm just not a big fan of people anymore.  I don't trust them and have zero faith in them.  I didn't choose to turn out like this.  It's not like I woke up one morning and said, "Hey, I think I'll hate everyone because my ex-husband was a cheating slime ball, and my ex-best friend was a lying, evil troll."  I don't really hate everybody, just mad.  So yeah, I guess I would call me bitter.  So, the moral of the story is while the pieces are picked up and they are put back together that doesn't mean everything is all better.  Divorce changes people.  Betrayal and deception change people.  Some good and some bad.  I guess I just have to keep working at it.  I should probably check on getting a therapist.  Maybe they can fix what I messed up.  ;)  Aside from being angry, I still have my moments where the pain resurfaces.  Doesn't hurt like it used to, and it doesn't last as long as it did back then.  Different things set me off these days.  Two years ago, a car commercial could trigger a major meltdown.  These days it's more about the kids than anything.  Obviously I'm better off, but are my kids?  Four year olds can ask some pretty deep questions.  I'm never prepared for the questions.  It stings a little bit to have to figure out how to explain things to a child when I don't even understand it.  I also have a twisted way of justifying things now.  I don't really know where it came from, but it's my least favorite of my new character traits.  So now my goal is to reaarange the pieces so that I'm the person I want to be.  I'm thankful for most of the changes and very thankful that I've come this far.  I am also super excited about life these days.  Life is good even for the crazy people! :)

Hope ya'll have a Merry Christmas!

Love,

April, Reese, and Carson

It's that time of year again...

Mmmm, Christmas time again. Not the easiest time of year to be a single mommy, but defintely not the worst either. Yes, I get emotional thinking about past Christmases with my ex. You might even say I miss him from time to time. Decorating the tree was difficult because he wasn't there to see the smile on Reese's face. Christmas parties are tough because he's not there to make everyone laugh. I am sure Christmas Eve will be hard because he won't be with me putting our kids' presents out...he will be with her putting her kids' presents out. Then almost immediately, I realize no he's not here and he won't be here, but I am. I will always be here. Every single Christmas morning I will see the excitement on their faces when they see what Santa brings. I will be here making sure Santa comes. I will enjoy those moments that I made possible. I will do everything in my power to make sure my children have memorable and meaningful holidays. I will come up with fun traditions for our new little family. I will have the honor of watching their eyes light up and the pleasure of knowing I did that. So, yeah, this time of year can bring to light some old sentimental feelings, but it can create some new ones too. :)

To my precious baby girl...

"We need to teach our daughters how to distinguish between a man who flatters her and a man who compliments her, a man who spends money on her and a man who invests in her, a man who lusts after her and a man who loves her, a man who believes he is God's gift to women and a man who remembers that a woman was God's gift to man. "

A friend posted this as his status (which I thought was adorable that a guy posted it) and it brought tears to my eyes as I read it. I began thinking about my sweet little girl. Sometimes as a mommy I lose sight of the big picture. I get so busy trying to teach her rhyming words, inside voices, and not to put my makeup on that I forget to use every opportunity to teach her about becoming a Christian woman. Granted, these are very important, age appropriate lessons; but I need to do more. I looked through her baby book the other day, remembering what it was like to be a family with a mommy AND a daddy. I read the letters I wrote to her the day I found out I was pregnant and the day she was born. I told her that I was already praying for a strong, sweet boy that would grow up to be her husband. In the midst of my own boy drama, I quit praying for that little boy. My prayer has become a plea that she will never feel the pain that we have felt in the past year. I think somewhere in my scattered head that I decided she should avoid it all together, all because of the pain her father caused us both. That is not only unfair to her, but an injustice to that little boy that I used to pray for. The one who could love her the way she deserves and be lucky enough to be loved by her. My little girl has a heart that knows no bounds. It is tender, kind, forgiving, and so full of love. I want her to share that with someone one day. Someone worthy of her. Someone who will cherish her, respect her, and grow with her. Someone who will stand by her and love her enough to never leave.

I know there is no gurantees that he will never break her heart. Boy,do I EVER know that. But when I think about the day of my wedding. The day I promised myself to her daddy. I want my little girl to know that feeling. I want her to be overwhelmed with the love that she feels for her mate. I want her to be able to look into his eyes while holding his hands and say "I do" with no hesitation. Outside of the birth days of my two babies, my wedding day was the happpiest day of my life. Regardless of the outcome of the marriage, I have no regrets. I loved him with all my heart and I made those promises with forever in mind. My job is to teach Reese to be selective and choose someone who she believes will put God first and his family second. I need to show her the importance of finding a man who will be a good father to my future grandchildren (WHOA! I have never said that. Feels weird!). I want her to love and to be loved, but the right way, the way God intended. My promise to both of my kids is to do everything I can to prepare them to be a good husband and a good wife someday. It's scary, I am scared I will make one wrong move and mess them up for life. I am scared they will look at their paternal being and think that is the way things should be done. This just means I need to work harder to teach them the sanctity of marriage. I need them to understand the meaning of "til death do us part". I need to continue praying for them, but also I need to begin praying for their future husband and wife.

So thank you Clifton Angel, for your wonderful post that caused this chain reaction in my brain. :)


This is the letter I wrote to Reese

Reese Katelyn,
Today I was reminded that one day you will grow into a beautiful woman. I try not to think about you growing up. I block out the fact that my baby girl will will not be a baby forever. But on these rare occasions that I let myself think about the not-so-distant future I think of all the things I want for you.

First and foremost, I want you to remember God. Put him first in everything you do. Pray, pray, and then pray some more. I want you to know that you are loved. There are so many people who love you, but no one loves you like your momma. Sweetheart, I prayed a long time for you. Even before I met your daddy, and you are a living breathing answer to that prayer. You have brought me more joy than I could ever describe. You and your brother are the best things that have ever been mine. I also want you to know that me and your daddy were happy at one time. I loved him and expected to be with him forever. Grown up stuff happened that had nothing to do with you and Carson. I hope that you will always remmeber our trip to the beach. I will always believe that was the happiest the 3 of us ever were. (4 if you count Carson in my belly)

I want you to cherish your baby brother. Be an example to him. Stay close no matter where in life you are. Your Uncle Bubba is one of my best friends on this earth. Be there for Carson when he needs you and lean on him when you need him. Your brother will always look up to you. He will ask you for advice and stand up for you when you need it.

I want you to work hard, be honest, and love with all you have. Forgive those who hurt you. Don't be afraid to cry, ride roller coasters, or fall in love. Never give up on your dreams and your goals. Be choosy when choosing your friends and even choosier when choosing a husband. Study hard in school. No, you won't see the need for Algebra at the time, but it will come in handy later. When your heart gets broken, I want you to remember it won't hurt forever and you will most definitely be stronger on the other side. Be selfless, and help others. Stay loyal, wither it's to your favorite football team or your best friend. I would like for you to play softball, but if you don't want to I won't be disappointed. But if you do decide to play, practice hard and be proud of your accomplishments no matter how small, and never slide into home head first!

I want you to appreciate your teenage years. Don't wish your life away. But keep in mind every action has a consequence. What you do when you're young doesn't vanish with old age. Always apologize when you are wrong. Learn from your mistakes. Learn a second language. Make moments count. Slow down and breathe them in. Hold your babies close as long as they will let you. Love your husband completely. Take a cooking class. Don't waste your first kiss, make it count. And if a boy loves you, he will wait for you.

Respect your elders. One day you will realize they knew more than you thought they did. Find something you are passionate about. Don't waste your talents. Use your hard headedness wisely. Wear sunscreen. Never, EVER, settle in anything. Strive for great, not good. Embrace your roots. Fairy tales can happen, you just have to work at it. Appreciate your in-laws. Know how to change a tire and drive the speed limit. I want you to make good choices. When in doubt, read your Bible. Take lots of pictures, you will be glad you did one day.

Reese's Pieces, I just want you to be healthy, happy, and have the life you dream of. I love you more than words can express and will be with you every step of the way. It's ok to be scared. It's ok to mess up. It's more than ok to want your mommy every once in a while no matter how old you are. And baby girl, I will be there.

Love,
Mommy

Somethings I Wish I Was

Since becoming a single mom, or actually a mom period I find myself watching other moms. At Bible class, in the grocery store, at restaurants, in the park...I am always observing other moms with their kids. Sometimes I admire these moms, with their calm and positive reactions to misbehaving children. They seem to have their stuff together. Their diaper bag is perfectly packed with all the necessities, they have on matching clothes AND makeup, their kids all have shoes on BOTH feet. These moms don't seem human to me. They have superhero qualities. I have to admit, I also spend sometime judging some moms too. These moms look like they haven't slept in days, their kids are dirty and loud, they are usually either not paying attention to their kids or yelling at them. They often don't have a diaper bag at all. In fact the only thing they seem to have is their smartphone which they barely look up from. I see myself as somewhere in the middle of these two categories. There are plenty of things I need to improve on and somethings I have down to an art, but there are somethings that I wish I was.



I wish I was graceful. I see moms who seem to float into stores with their double stroller and they browse around as if they have all day. I see moms with their infants on their hips as if the child is weightless. On the other side they have a toddler holding their hand. They move at a steady pace with all the grace in the world. Ok, this ain't me! I'm the chick who gets the stroller stuck in the door, runs over anything in the way, trips, falls, bumps into stuff. I usually have Carson on my hip a huge diaper bag on the other shoulder and most of the time I am chasing Reese. I'm the mom who manages, but doesn't make it look very pretty. You know in football when the quaterback throws the ball to a receiver, he bobbles the ball maybe even deflects it, maybe a huge lineman accidentally catches it and rumbles into the endzone for a touchdown? Yeah, I'm that huge lineman. I get the job done, score the 6 points; but it certainly isn't an attractive play. There are many times like when my stroller wheel is caught on the door at wal-mart, or I fall UP some concrete steps while loading the car, or I look like I am about to drop everything in my hands while I unlock the front door that I wish I could be more graceful. I want to be like that floating mom. I want to be the receiver who makes an amazing catch on the tips of his fingers and trots effortlessly into the endzone.





I also wish I was organized. No one loves organizing more than me. I am a nerd. I love my Sharpies, calenders, Excel spreadsheets, baskets, and labels. I like the IDEA of organizing. Keeping things in order is a whole nother story. That mom that has the diaper bag perfectly packed with everything she needs makes me so jealous. I want that bag! I want those things in my bag. If Reese skins her knee, I want to have a band-aid handy. If I need Carson's shot record, I want to know exactly where it is. I try, I really do. I put forth a ton of effort to organize and stay on top of it,, but it never works. I am the mom digging to the bottom of the bag in the middle of worship services trying to find the snacks that are more than likely still on the counter where I fixed them that morning. I'm the one who never has the wipe container filled up. When I need an extra outfit for the kids, it isn't there. My car is a wreck, there are toys, goldfish crackers, and dead flowers all over the floorboards. There are clothes piled to the ceiling where I have been going from house to house to save on gas. I try to stay in Southaven if I have things to do up there so I'm not driving back and forth from Arkabutla. My room is clean, but I have no idea where anything is. I live with my grandmother, so my stuff just got put where there was space. I want to be organized and resourceful. I want to be on time. I want to remember appointments. I am always rushing , which makes the craziness even crazier. I always look like I just ran a marathon when I arrive somewhere usually 10-20 minutes late. I try to look put together, but I don't. I look like I was together at one point, but came unraveled at some point. That point may have been when I spent 20 minutes looking for keys or my cell phone which was in my pocket the whole time. Maybe it was when we were walking out the door and Carson has a blow out diaper, or Reese falls in the dirt. Possibly, the unraveling occurred when I drove 10 minutes up the road and realized I forgot the paperwork I needed for an appointment or my wallet. Again, I manage, but it most certainly is not a pleasant sight. It is the epitome of chaos. It's entertaining enough for a reality show, but not what you would call organized.

I wish I was more patient and positive. No, I don't scream at my kids. I don't ignore them while they wreak havoc on the playground. I don't jerk them up and pop their bottom when they misbehave. I do find myself saying "No!" or "Stop!" a lot. No, not a lot. CONSTANTLY. While I was in Texas last week (which I plan on blogging about soon), I noticed my cousin Shana Kaye didn't automatically give those type of commands. She asked nicely for Reese to not play the piano at 7:00 am. She found other things for Carson to keep him from pulling the XBOX out on the floor. She was very positive and patient when dealing with my kids and hers. We do fine at home, but in public I get anxious and feel the impending breakdown from both kids coming so I get flustered and rushed. I don't count to 3 before I say anything. I get caught up in trying to avoid the climax of the fit throwing and forget any methods I have learned and just want to get out of the situation. I have left people's homes, grocery stores, Bible class, and restaurants because the kids are ganging up on me and it's not worth the work to continue to stay there. My kids aren't bad. In fact, they are very good. Yeah, Reese seems to be running on a motor and reminds me of the Tasmanian Devil on Looney Tunes; but she is a good girl. She has a tender heart, and is eager to please. She just has focus issues. Carson is 11 months...enough said.


So while I do a good job, I would like to do a better job at somethings. I'm a work in progress!

To My Favorite Boy On Your Birthday

Dear Carson,
One year ago today the doctor laid a precious 7lb 2oz baby boy in my arms. I can't describe the feeling I felt when I looked at your chubby little cheeks and counted every finger and tiny little toe. I lifted your cap to see a full head of dark, soft hair. You looked a lot like your big sister did when she was born. I will never forget the pride that I felt. I was so proud to hold you after waiting so long for you. I didn't realize it till that second, but I had been waiting for you my whole life. The day before you were born some yucky grown up stuff happened that left mommy in a lot of pain and very scared, but when I held you close to me I forgot it all. It was like you were meant to save me from the hurt. You were my gift from God. You and your sister completed my life. When Daddy decided not to live with us anymore, I thought there was no way I could do it without him. I was so scared that I couldn't give you and Reese what you needed, but once I held you and felt your sweet little hand on my face I knew I would do whatever it took to give you and Reese the life that I promised you. In the past year, you have brought me so much joy and laughter. Your smile is what I live to wake up to each morning. When you say "Mama" my heart melts. Your sweet, slobbery kisses make my day, ever day! People tell me how strong I am and how I'm a good mom, but it's you and Reese who are the strong ones. The two of you make it easy to be a good mom. I named you after your Grandaddy because of his generosity, his strength, his love, and his forgiving heart. I hope that these are all qualities you will get from my amazing daddy. I hope that one day when you are old enough and you hear stories about before you were born and right after that you will be strong and loving and forgiving. I pray that you will not let the mistakes made by me and your father affect the relationship you have with either of us. I hope you never forget how loved you are, not just by me, but by lots and lots of people. There have been so many people who were there for us and helped us get through this past year. I love you Carson Wesley, and I plan on spending the the rest of my life showing you and Reese how thankful I am to have you. Thank you for giving me a reason to smile. Thank you for giving me hope and happiness again. Happy first birthday little man! Mommy loves you and will do everything in my power to protect you and give you the kind of life you deserve!

A Two Day Emotionfest!

With the one year anniversary of my husband leaving and my son's birthday approaching, I am beginning to wonder what kind of emotional state I will be in. What am I going to feel, think, and remember? What thoughts are going to run through my head? I am sure both days will be bittersweet and full of memories.

Will I be mournful? Will I remember the husband that is now dead to me? I can see myself thinking back on the good times that we had, and digging up significant memories that we shared during our short marriage. Will I torture myself by reliving the day he left over and over in my head? As much as I don't want to think about it or dwell on the pain, there are always reminders that stop me dead in my tracks. Even on the best of days, something will cause my head to be flooded with thoughts of him and the life we would have had. Little things such as a movie, a song, something one of our children does or says. These things come from out of no where and catch me off guard. Granted they come less frequently than before, and their effect is less intense...but they are still there. They say mourning the end of my marriage and the death of the man that I married is healthy. It's just part of the process, right? So naturally, on the one year anniversary that he walked away from me, our family, and our life together I can only assume the pain will be more present on this day than most. It's scary, I used to hurt all the time. Now that I have become accustomed to being okay, is the pain going to be overwhelming? I feel like I'm waiting on a surgical procedure, unsure of how bad the recovery will be. Will it be a twinge of uncomfortableness here and there? Will I be in constant agony like before? How long will it last? How can I speed up the healing process?

Will I mourn the first few months of my baby's life? Those awful months that I can barely remember. Will I go back to the day he was born and the mix of emotions I felt that day. Will the guilt be stronger than it is every other day that goes by? It seems impossible that Carson will be one year old in four days. I missed out on so much with him, beginning with his birth. My head and my heart were on emotional overload. I was happy and excited to meet my son, but that was overshadowed by the tragedy that happened the day before. I was worried about his health. Had he been in distress too long. I had not slept the night before and stayed up all night crying. Did I hurt him? I was delighted to be able to tell my daddy I named my son after him, but scared to death to tell him my husband moved out the day before. I had to try to keep it a secret. For Carson's sake. I wanted him to be born into a happy family. I wanted every one's focus on the baby, not my ending marriage. I wanted so bad for Paul to hold him and realize that he made a mistake and there was no way he could walk away from us. My emotions were literally all over the place. Some birth day, huh? Luckily, Carson can't remember that day. He was happy, healthy, and beautiful. I missed out on the precious bonding that I had looked forward to for eight months. I couldn't hold him and stare at him with love and adoration. Don't get me wrong I loved that boy with all my heart, but I always felt like I was hurting him more by holding him. When I looked at him, I hurt, I cried, and I got angry. My husband had tarnished the entire process of bringing a baby into the world. Those first few months I was robbed of all the excitement of being a mommy to a newborn. Again, luckily Carson won't remember that either. Will this be what I think about the day my baby boy turns one? When he's blowing out his candle and making a mess with his cake will I be in tears? Will my heart break all over again because he was born a year ago into such awful circumstances?

Maybe I will be appreciative on these days. I have learned in the past year to be thankful for what I had and what I have. I had an amazing husband for four years and 3 months. I was married to the most loving, sincere, kind, and patient man. We had a good run. I have so many good memories that no one can take away from me. Our wedding day, Disney world, my first live NFL game, his first trip to the beach, getting him hooked on General Hospital, the night we met, and of course the birth of our daughter. He may have broken my heart, but before he did he made me a mommy. That trumps anything else. He made my dream come true. He gave me two perfect children. So, yeah I went through hell on earth for the past year but I have my memories and I have my kids. I have all I need, and I am eternally grateful for that. I can be appreciative of the fact that Carson was born, yeah it wasn't the best of circumstances, but he is here. He is healthy, and I have the rest of my life to love him. In the past year he and Reese have given me more joy than I can measure. They have pulled me through the darkest times and been the reason for the best of times. Hopefully, over the next few days I will be able to remember how lucky I have been. God has blessed me with so much. These anniversaries are an opportunity to remind me what I DO have, not what I DON'T have.

I am sure I will feel a sense of pride. Looking back at where I was then and how far I've come in a year, I am extremely proud of myself. I was a mess. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was disappointed when I woke up in the mornings and realized the world was still going on. I never considered ending my life, but I could definitely see how some people entertain the thought. I just wanted the pain to stop. I went from rock bottom to here in 362 days. I have worked hard to bring myself back, learn from the experience, and move forward. I am in the process of getting my degree in a field that I love. I am proud of my grades and my effort in school. Mostly, I am proud of the mother that I have become. I try everyday to be exactly what these kids need. I'm not perfect by any means, but I strive to be. When I was in that deep, dark place I never thought I would get out. I was so sure this was life now. I was afraid this was a permanent condition, but it wasn't. Slowly, I began to find my way out. I didn't do it alone, I had my kids, my family, and some incredible friends who helped me. I can be proud of my son. He is resilient, smart, and has gorgeous blue eyes that make me melt. He seems unphased by the chaos that has whirled around him since he came into the world. He is loving and gentle, but a tough little boy at the same time. So when the time comes for me to acknowledge the fact that a year ago my world fell apart, I pray that I realize that in one year I managed to put it back together. A year ago, a 7 lb 2 oz little boy was born in a less than perfect situation, but he was still able to grow into this awesome little man who has my heart!

Like I said, I don't really know what to expect to feel, but I hope that I am excited and optimistic. Excited about the end of all the firsts. I will have gone through every holiday, every major event, and even minor activities as a single mom. In the past year, I have experienced life without my husband. There are no more firsts looming in the future. I made it through Christmas, our anniversary, the first grocery shopping trip, a new home, and the signing of the divorce papers. From here on out I've been there and done that. I can move forward with out questions like the ones in this post. I can be excited that my baby is a year old and I can celebrate him. I can be optimistic for the future and this new life I have built. My fresh clean start will truly begin. The past year has molded me into a new person and I can see great things down the road. I can look beyond the pain caused from the past and see my goals being met. I have this gift of a second chance and a new appreciation for life and the blessings I have.

These two days will definitely be emotional and full of meaning. I will probably feel a little bit of everything. All I know for sure is that I have made it through some pretty traumatic stuff this year, so this should be a piece of cake!