The Foggy Months From What I Remember

The next few months are blurry. I remember the pain very well, but most of the events are hazy. I remember bringing Carson home. I had hoped I could be excited and Paul would help make it a happy occasion. It didn't happen that way. I cried a lot. I looked at Carson with pity and pain instead of joy and amazement. These feelings made me feel worse as a mother. I wanted to enjoy every second with him and soak up the experience of being a mommy again. Instead, I felt desperate and in shock. Walking in the house that day, I realized how alone I was about to be. Paul quickly unloaded the stuff from the hospital, set everything up, and picked up my meds. He did everything a new daddy should....except stay. We just brought our newborn son home and he was rushing out the door. I was there with my gut split open with a baby and a two year old, but that didn't phase me. I was there without my husband, my best friend, my other half. I was incomplete. I was broken, and now I was responsible for these tiny beings alone. I didn't sleep for weeks. I couldn't eat. I tried breastfeeding and failed at that miserably.

I remember Ashley, so helpful and supportive. Always wanting to help. She would call and talk to me for hours. She would hold me when I lost it. She would hold Carson when I couldn't bring myself to do it. She convinced me Paul was just stressed and he would be back. She told me she knew how I felt. She lied and lied. And then lied some more.

I remember the night I caught my husband sneaking out of Ashley's house to walk to his hidden truck. I remember the feeling I got when I realized my family and his had been right all along. He was cheating on me with my friend. They had both been lying. He had made this all my fault while he was persuing a relationship with my friend. I remember the tremble in my voice when I asked her how she could do this. I remember the look of guilt in her eyes as she denied he was even there.

I remember finding out he went on vacation with her to Destin. We were just on a beach 3 months earlier planning our next family vacation. We talked about growing old and living close to a beach. We walked on the beach at night holding hands. How could he be on another beach with another woman planning their future so soon? How could he walk away so easily? How can he be so happy and me be so broken? What about his kids? How could he walk away from him the way he did?

I remember finding the messages they sent to eachother. There wasn't much left of my heart at this point, but whatever was there was now destroyed. He loves her. She loves him. When you see another woman telling your husband things like, "I miss you like crazy. I can't wait till you get home today." or "I love you so much baby. Kisses." Its bad enough. But to see your husband, the man you love, the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with telling another woman, "Good morning baby. I hope you have a good day. I miss you." It is an indescribable pain. Nothing was left. I was empty. The pain took over. The numbness I had felt was now smoothering me. I threw up. I remember the physical pain I felt in my chest as I tortured myself by reading these words over and over. I had my proof. I had what I needed, but I didn't want it anymore. He was in love with her. After all we had overcome and all we had built together, he loved her not me.

I remember the lonely nights, the crying spells, the triggers that would cause my meltdowns. I remember the anger that began building and snowballing. I remember the hatred towards her that tried to consume me. I remember the dissappointment I felt, the guilt I felt. I remember wondering how I could have let this happen. What did I do? What could I have done to prevent it? I remember wishing I could go to sleep and not wake up. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want to hear a song on the radio and break down. I didn't want to watch him leave the house and feel like it was the first time again.

I remember all of this very vividly, but unfortunately most of the good stuff is gone. I have a few memories here and there of Carson as a newborn. I have a few stories to tell about something cute Reese did. Other than that those months were full of pain and haertache. I was cheated out of something I can't get back. I lost too much time while I was under this spell. I remember the day that I convinced myself to be better. To take one step at a time and the first step was my babies. I learned to enjoy them through the pain. I learned to hold them close to me to make me better. I learned that their smiles and blue eyes made me almost whole again. I remember realizing "I got this!" I can do this. I will do this for these babies. I was ready to be me again and to be the mom I promised God I would be if he blessed me with children. I was ready to come out of the fog. I remember wondering how in the world am I supposed to do this?