A Little Bit Stronger

As the months went by, I always wondered if I would ever stop hurting. I wanted to know exactly when I was going to feel better. Everyone kept saying, "It just takes time." and "It will get better, I promise." I was convinced I was broken forever. I just knew I was going to always want him back. What I didn't realize is that with each day that I made it through, I was getting a little bit stronger. Each breakdown was one step closer to sanity. I had to get through the awful, dark, depressing days to appreciate the happier days ahead. Looking back, I did not react to everything as I should. I would go as far as to say I didn't react to everything in a completely sane way. In my defense, there is no instruction manual on how to deal with your husband leaving you for your bff when you're eight months pregnant, and having a newborn and two year old on your own. I did learn many valuable lessons going through this. Mainly, I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. Yes, I broke down. Yes, I messed up. Yes, it was hard, but I did it and I am doing it. There are a few things that helped me survive.



So one day about 6 weeks after he left, I was browsing iTunes. I ran across a Sara Evans song so I got it without listening to it. I burned the cd and left the house. In the car, when the song came on I had to pull over. The words to this song were incredible. I listened to it all the time. The words became more and more true. It was like an entrance theme for a wrestler, or locker room music for a football player. I guess the more I heard it the more I believed it and the more I believed it the more it happened. I had other music to aid in my recovery. I made two cd's. One was a "Tonight I Wanna Cry" cd. It had all the sad stuff on it. When I needed to let it out and cry I would torture myslef with "The Last One to Know" and "Unbreak My Heart." The other cd was an "Deuces" cd. This one was much more fun! "Riding Solo" and anything by Eminem made it all better! It's cheesy, but my music really was theraputic for me. Although, me and the radio had it out many, many times due to song selection.

Something else that helped me through the worst times was friends and family (including my inlaws). Listing everyone would be impossible, and I am sure I would forget someone. I was very lucky. I had different types of support. I had people who had been through what I was going through in some way or another. They were able to warn me of the upcoming battles and give me the promise of better days ahead. They knew what I was going through. They didn't just feel sorry for me, they had felt this way before. I had my Christian friends and family who did not let me forget to keep praying and to stay close to God. I had my amazingly strong Daddy who did all he could to make his little girl stop crying. At times, I could see the pain in his eyes. I knew if he could he would take the hurt away. The two people who helped me stay somewhat afloat are Reese Katelyn and Carson Wesley. Those babies pulled me through this. If not for them, who knows where I would be. I love my kids with all my heart and soul. They needed me and I needed them. I didn't have time to get too lonely. I didn't have the ability to stay sad when I had them in my arms. They brightened everyday. They were living proof that I didn't waste six years of my life on nothing. I came out of this marriage with a broken heart and the two most amazing gifts from God. Those gifts were worth every second of pain. Even now, they do something each day to help me get a little bit stronger.

Praying is the only other thing that I knew to do. I would lay in bed for hours talking to God. I would beg him to let Paul come home. I would plead to keep my family together. The more I begged and pleaded, the more I realized I am not asking for the right thing. I am asking God for what I want not what I need. What I needed was what is best for me and my kids. In hindsight, that is obviously not Paul. It took a long, long time to understand that. My love for him couldn't keep him here, it couldn't even keep him faithful to me and his family. Therefore, he does not deserve my love. Praying allowed me to get it all out without interuption or unwanted advice. All my praying brought me understanding. Now, I will never understand how it all happened or why it happened. I just have an understanding of what I need. I can make the most of this. "Sometimes goodbye is a second chance."