Bouncing...

I watched this movie years ago called Bounce. Not a very good movie at all. I only watched it because it had Ben Affleck in it. It was way to much of a chick flick for me. Anyway, in the movie a woman's husband dies in a plane crash. Her friend tells her the plane crashed, not her. She tells her she has to bounce. Later in the movie, the woman tells someone, "That's what I've been doing...bouncing. It's like crashing, but you get to do it over and over again." Well that's what I am doing. I am bouncing. The lows are awful. They come from out of no where and sometimes for no reason at all. I find myself wondering how in the world this happened. I miss the life I had before. I wonder what it would have been like as a family of four with our little girl and baby boy. I dread our upcoming anniversary. I experience firsts without him all the time. Then there are the highs. Just when I get comfortable in this rut of self pity and sleepless nights, something happens. Maybe a small something or a big something. Maybe a string of somethings, but somehow I always bounce back up. A lot of the times it is something my precious Reese says, or the smile on my baby Carson's face. Maybe a phone call from my favorite person in the world, or dinner with my oldest and bestest friend. Things just start to come together for me and I see all the positives of this situation. Last week was hard. I don't remember what brought it on, but I cried a lot. I missed my husband a lot, and I asked "Why?" a whole lot. I get so used to doing well and not hurting as much that when it does hit...it hits HARD! I miss my old life. I miss having someone to share my life with and talk with. I see my baby girl's face when she tells me she is sad and wants her daddy to come home. The pain is almost unbearable for a little bit. It reminds me of the day he left. The physical pain in my chest comes back. The uncontrolable crying starts again. It all comes flooding back. It doesn't happen often, and it is pretty random when it does. On Monday, I found out I got back into the education program at Ole Miss. This means if I work extra hard and do well in all my classes, I could be teaching in Fall of 2012. I was so excited and proud of myself. I did that without him. In spite of being broken and alone, I accomplished something for myself and my children. The future, and I mean the NEAR future was looking brighter. I have also come to realize that I have not been bouncing alone. Sometimes, I feel so alone I can't stand it. That could not be further from the truth though. I have some of the most amazing people supporting me, encouraging me, and helping me. I have become closer to some very fabulous people because of my situation, people that have been through similar situations in their lives. I have had people offer to keep my babies to let me get errands done. People have brought me groceries, cooked me dinners, listened to me cry, made me laugh, bought things for my kids and even for me. None of this surprises me about these people, because I know the extent of their kindness. What surprises me, is that I am lucky enough to have so many of these people in my life. I would not be where I am now, as well as I am now, without the people God has put in my life. I am grateful beyond words for my family and friends that have done so much for me. I have my own cheering section! I know that I can do this and it means the world to me that I have people in my life who believe I can do it. These people help me bounce. They are there for the highs and the lows.

Happy 8 Months Carson!

Yesterday, Carson turned eight months old. He was with his daddy, but I thought about him all day. I thought about how shocked I was when I found out I was pregnant with him. I thought about how scary it was when I went to the hosital at 26 weeks because of high blood pressure. I had already fallen in love with this baby and would do anything to protect him and keep him safe. I felt so helpless not knowing if my body would allow me to carry him to term. I thought about the feeling of accomplishment I felt when I made it to 34 weeks with no blood pressure issues. And of course, the memory of Paul walking out passed through my mind a couple of times. I thought about the day Carson was born and wished it could have been a sweeter story. I wish it had been different, but it was still one of the 2 most amazing days of my life. I was given a gorgeous, healthy, baby boy. I remembered the past eight months. The first few months of Carson's life I was not the mother I wish I would have been. I suffered from post pardom depression. I was unable to let myself bond strongly with my son. It was unphatomable that I could love him so completely and so dearly, but I couldn't bring myself to hold him at times. I felt helpless when he cried, and I couldn't stand to hear it. I fed him, changed him, and bathed him. I did what I was supposed to do, but I was in a fog while I did it. I couldn't enjoy him being a newborn. I couldn't look at him and not hurt. I was scared to death. How was I going to give him everything he needed. I wanted him more than anything in the world, but how were we going to get through all this. I felt terrible for him. He didn't ask to come into this world, much less to arrive without a father and an incapable mother. He had no idea what was going on. He was an innocent baby who was thrown into this awful situation. I felt so guilty. I was failing as a mother. I couldn't protect him, and I wasn't what he deserved. At this point, I knew I needed to go to the doctor. I was diagnosed with PPD and learned to get through it. Since then, I have spent every second with my son trying to make it up to him. I am devistated that the entire experience of Carson's birth and newborn stage was tainted by the actions of his father and the mental state of his mother. I made him a promise. I promised to spend the rest of my life striving to be the best mother that I can be. I promised to never leave him and always be there when he needs me. I want him to know that I love him with every fiber of my being. I want him to know how wanted he is and how privaledged I am to have him as my son. He is the happiest baby. He is always smiling. That smile lights up my entire world. He adores his big sister and she feels the same about him. He has the brightest blue eyes that sparkle when he sees me. His laugh is contagious. And his ears.....wow! Dude got some massive ears, but they are adorable. He is perfect. I have made it my life's mission to love him and Reese with all that I have and raise them in a loving, Christian home. Yes, it will be unconventional, and it will be difficult to overcome the influences they will face in the other enviornment they will be exposed to, but I am convinced if I do what I should as a mother they will turn out just fine. Eight months ago, God answered another life long prayer by blessing me with Carson. I am eternally grateful for that. I cherish every minute I spend with him. I don't want to take one second for granted. I look forward to the future, but I am perfectly fine with living in these moments happening today. So happy 8 months to my sweet, perfect, baby boy. Mommy loves you monkey boy!

Busy, Busy, Busy

Somtimes when things are at their craziest, I stop and think how in the world did I get here? I get mad because I know things could be better for all of us if the kids had more than me to depend on. Then in the same moment I think the kids CAN depend on me. They have me and I have them. That is enough to be thankful for and enough to keep me going. Reese may not get her drink as soon as she wants it, and Carson may have to cry while I make his food at night. The important fact remains that they will get what they need, and they will get it from me. When we first get home in the afternoons, both kids need me at the same time. Carson needs to eat. Reese needs a snack and a drink. Reese wants to tell me about her day, and Carson wants me to hold him and play with him. They both need my undivided attention. It is this time everyday that reminds me that he did this. He left us here to fend for ourselves. He broke our home and made things harder for me and my babies. A few months ago, I would cry. I would feel sorry for myself. I would wonder how this could happen. These days, I don't cry. Sometimes, I even laugh. I consider myself lucky. Him not being here, gives me the honor of caring for these children. I get to be the one to provide for them and love them on a daily basis. I am blessed to have this time to be needed, and come through for them. When life happens like a whirlwind it makes me grateful. As far as how I handle the situations, it's kind of a trial and error kind of thing. Now I have juice boxes and snacks that Reese can get herself while I make Carson's food. While I feed him, Reese tells me all about her day and asks the 7,643 questions that she has stored up for me. Once Carson is full and happy we all play in the floor together. It took a little while to get it right, but it runs pretty smoothly now. I've learned to adapt. If something isn't working, we try something else. If I get thrown a curveball, I've figured out how to correct my swing and go with it. Never a dull moment and life just keeps looking up!

Bad Day Again

No matter how many good days I manage to string together, a bad one always sneaks up on me. I think it will be like that for a while. The good news is the good day streaks keep getting longer and longer. These days it takes much more to set me off than it did before. I remember not too long ago a Titans logo on a loaf of bread caused a major meltdown. Now it has to be pretty significant to bring me down. Like this past weekend, I found out he took her to his mom's for family game night. I new it would happen eventually, I just wasn't ready for what it would feel like. She already replaced me with Paul, now she was a part of the family now. She was in my spot at the table. She was playing with my nephew. She was where I was supposed to be. My head totally understands that his family would eventually accept her in as his girlfriend. My heart on the other hand was crushed. I know it's selfish, but she caused me so much pain and cost my children the life they should have had...so how can anyone welcome her with open arms? How can everyone not hate her? Like I said, my head gets it. I know that's not how it should be. I just need to exit stage right, and let her have it. I need to separate myself from the life I had with him and as break as many ties as possible in order to make this easier on myself.

Anger is the emotion that I feel the most and the strongest. In fact, anger doesn't really seem to be the word to describe what I'm talking about. Loathing, fury, enmity, bitterness, rage, contempt, repugnance...those sound a lot more accurate than "anger." I'm mad that they feel no pain, no regret or remorse. I'm infuriated that they get to have their happy little situation over there, while on the other side of town I have his children that I am caring for and supporting on my own. I hate that he gets to go on vacations, buy new things, go on dates, and have no responsibilities. More than anything I hate what he has done to my daughter. From the core of my being, I detest his actions and the effect that it has had on my baby. When he leaves her crying because she doesn't understand why daddy doesn't live here anymore it makes my blood boil. When I have to answer questions and dry her tears because he crushed her world for his own selfish desires it makes me want to punch him in the throat. On the bright side, I am working on the anger issues, and am making great strides at getting along with him in order to make this easier on my children. Hating him is a waste of energy. Hating her is inevitable and eternal. She sent me a message this weekend about something her son said about me being hot and proceeded to tell me she always thought I was gorgeous and still does. SERIOUSLY?!?! Yeah for 2 seconds I was sad because comments like that from her used to make me feel better. Messages like that used to evolve into hour long discussions about nothing in particular. Once that passed I remembered who she really is and what she did. Anything that reminds me of her, makes me want to puke then karate chop someone in the face. Again, I'm working on those little mental outbursts.

Other than these sporadic little episodes, I am doing pretty well. Good days are great and bad days aren't that bad. I think having a bad day here and there is good for me. A) It helps me appreciate the good ones that much more. B) It shows me how far I've come in almost 8 months. Before a bad day, was beyond bad. We are talking fetal position on the floor in the bathroom kind of bad. 48 hours of no sleep bad. Seriously, bad bad days! Now a bad day is pretty minor. Piece of cake compared to the old days!

Lucky Girl

Although, I've been through hell on earth in the past 7 months I am a very lucky girl! I have a whole list of reasons why I consider myself blessed beyond belief!

1. I have God. He loves me unconditionally and will never leave me.
2. I have two amazing children who light up when I walk in the room. I was put on this earth to be a mom and now I am fortunate enough to be one.
3. I was in love and I was loved. I don't regret one second with Paul. I loved him completely. He made me happy. Happier than I thought I could be. He made me feel beautiful, like I was the only woman in the world. We had a wonderful marriage. He was a devoted husband and father until last summer. I was very lucky to have him in my life while I did. I will always be grateful to him for the time we shared and the two gorgeous babies he gave me.
4. I have a home waiting for me.
5. I learned a valuable lesson. I'm not sure if there will ever be someone else, but I know with out a shadow of a doubt no man will ever do this to me again. I'm older and wiser. If there is a next guy, bless his heart, he don't stand a chance. And friends....well I know to choose them more carefully and trust them much less.
6. I have a second chance, a new beginning, and a fresh start. You can't go wrong with those things.
7. NO MORE TITANS JUNK IN MY HOUSE! :)
8. I can sleep on either side of the bed and leave the tv on all night.
9. I'm a sucker for a boy in boots....not Jordans.
10. Baseball is back on the tv.
11. More room on the DVR for my shows.
12. More closet space.
13. I have proven to myself that I am strong. Though all the issues with my mother and her problem I adopted her way of thinking. I was weak. I "couldn't handle" stressful situations. HA! How's this for a stressful situation?!? I am not my mother. I got my daddy's strength, I just never knew it.
14. I'm hard headed as they come. I'm half Jones. Tell me I can't and I'll prove to you I can.
15. I have plenty of family and friends to remind me of these things if I forget! :)

Plan B

When I got married, I got married for life. To me, marriage is forever. It's not just a piece of paper or a trial run. I had planned on spending the rest of my life with Paul and our children. I was going to finish school next May. I would be teaching by the time Reese started school. We would buy a bigger house, have one more baby, and get a SUV. We had vacations planned, movies we wanted to see, and concerts we wanted to go to. Madden weekend was coming up in August. There were years of Cuddle Fests, trips to the zoo, anniversaries, and family portraits to come. Then in one day that plan was blown. All the plans we made were no longer options for me. So how do you come up with a plan B? I started small. I planned the next hour for a while. In time I was able to move up to the next day. These days I can make short term plans, but nothing spectacular. The life I knew was over. Everything was different. Part of me was gone, and I couldn't function. Planning supper made me want to throw up. Making decisions was never my strong point, but now it was impossible. I made lists, with my Sharpies of course. I made lists of priorities, lists of things to do, list of ways I could get him back, lists of how to fix me. It all made more sense in different colored Sharpie ink. So, my plan B started forming. I would continue with school. I had to hurry up and finish so I could find a job that would allow me to support me and the kids. I would attempt to stay in my house and do this myself. I wanted to avoid as much change as I could for Reese's sake...and mine. Sadly, that's as far as I have gotten with my new plan. I'm not sure where we will live six months from now. I have no idea how long I can keep my job. Right now, I know that tomorrow we are having lasagna for supper. I know that Friday Paul will pick the kids up at 5:00 for his weekend. I know that from here on out I will do whatever I have to in order to provide my children with the life that I want them to have. They will always come first. That plan is good enough for me.

Speaking of changing plans. What gives him the right to completely call an audible? His name is not Peyton Manning. How is it fair to change the play after the hand off? He made me so many promises. He made these plans with me, then left. Now he is making plans with her, and I'm left to suffer. It breaks my heart that I have to miss every other weekend with my children because he decided to up and leave. That wasn't my choice, why should I lose time with my kids? Why should I lose my home...our home? Why should I struggle to make ends meet? It's wrong of me, but I want him to suffer. I want him to hurt. He did this. He was wrong, yet he is living it up with a new family. He gets to swoop in every now and then and play with the kids for a bit then bring them back. He doesn't deal with the real stuff. The sickness, the discipline, the nurturing, the financial support...all that is not his responsibility anymore. I am good though. I am determined to be a good mom to these babies. I am determined to make myself a better person. I am determined to make it through this. I am determined to come up with a plan B and enjoy my new life.