No matter how many good days I manage to string together, a bad one always sneaks up on me. I think it will be like that for a while. The good news is the good day streaks keep getting longer and longer. These days it takes much more to set me off than it did before. I remember not too long ago a Titans logo on a loaf of bread caused a major meltdown. Now it has to be pretty significant to bring me down. Like this past weekend, I found out he took her to his mom's for family game night. I new it would happen eventually, I just wasn't ready for what it would feel like. She already replaced me with Paul, now she was a part of the family now. She was in my spot at the table. She was playing with my nephew. She was where I was supposed to be. My head totally understands that his family would eventually accept her in as his girlfriend. My heart on the other hand was crushed. I know it's selfish, but she caused me so much pain and cost my children the life they should have had...so how can anyone welcome her with open arms? How can everyone not hate her? Like I said, my head gets it. I know that's not how it should be. I just need to exit stage right, and let her have it. I need to separate myself from the life I had with him and as break as many ties as possible in order to make this easier on myself.
Anger is the emotion that I feel the most and the strongest. In fact, anger doesn't really seem to be the word to describe what I'm talking about. Loathing, fury, enmity, bitterness, rage, contempt, repugnance...those sound a lot more accurate than "anger." I'm mad that they feel no pain, no regret or remorse. I'm infuriated that they get to have their happy little situation over there, while on the other side of town I have his children that I am caring for and supporting on my own. I hate that he gets to go on vacations, buy new things, go on dates, and have no responsibilities. More than anything I hate what he has done to my daughter. From the core of my being, I detest his actions and the effect that it has had on my baby. When he leaves her crying because she doesn't understand why daddy doesn't live here anymore it makes my blood boil. When I have to answer questions and dry her tears because he crushed her world for his own selfish desires it makes me want to punch him in the throat. On the bright side, I am working on the anger issues, and am making great strides at getting along with him in order to make this easier on my children. Hating him is a waste of energy. Hating her is inevitable and eternal. She sent me a message this weekend about something her son said about me being hot and proceeded to tell me she always thought I was gorgeous and still does. SERIOUSLY?!?! Yeah for 2 seconds I was sad because comments like that from her used to make me feel better. Messages like that used to evolve into hour long discussions about nothing in particular. Once that passed I remembered who she really is and what she did. Anything that reminds me of her, makes me want to puke then karate chop someone in the face. Again, I'm working on those little mental outbursts.
Other than these sporadic little episodes, I am doing pretty well. Good days are great and bad days aren't that bad. I think having a bad day here and there is good for me. A) It helps me appreciate the good ones that much more. B) It shows me how far I've come in almost 8 months. Before a bad day, was beyond bad. We are talking fetal position on the floor in the bathroom kind of bad. 48 hours of no sleep bad. Seriously, bad bad days! Now a bad day is pretty minor. Piece of cake compared to the old days!
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