Happy 8 Months Carson!

Yesterday, Carson turned eight months old. He was with his daddy, but I thought about him all day. I thought about how shocked I was when I found out I was pregnant with him. I thought about how scary it was when I went to the hosital at 26 weeks because of high blood pressure. I had already fallen in love with this baby and would do anything to protect him and keep him safe. I felt so helpless not knowing if my body would allow me to carry him to term. I thought about the feeling of accomplishment I felt when I made it to 34 weeks with no blood pressure issues. And of course, the memory of Paul walking out passed through my mind a couple of times. I thought about the day Carson was born and wished it could have been a sweeter story. I wish it had been different, but it was still one of the 2 most amazing days of my life. I was given a gorgeous, healthy, baby boy. I remembered the past eight months. The first few months of Carson's life I was not the mother I wish I would have been. I suffered from post pardom depression. I was unable to let myself bond strongly with my son. It was unphatomable that I could love him so completely and so dearly, but I couldn't bring myself to hold him at times. I felt helpless when he cried, and I couldn't stand to hear it. I fed him, changed him, and bathed him. I did what I was supposed to do, but I was in a fog while I did it. I couldn't enjoy him being a newborn. I couldn't look at him and not hurt. I was scared to death. How was I going to give him everything he needed. I wanted him more than anything in the world, but how were we going to get through all this. I felt terrible for him. He didn't ask to come into this world, much less to arrive without a father and an incapable mother. He had no idea what was going on. He was an innocent baby who was thrown into this awful situation. I felt so guilty. I was failing as a mother. I couldn't protect him, and I wasn't what he deserved. At this point, I knew I needed to go to the doctor. I was diagnosed with PPD and learned to get through it. Since then, I have spent every second with my son trying to make it up to him. I am devistated that the entire experience of Carson's birth and newborn stage was tainted by the actions of his father and the mental state of his mother. I made him a promise. I promised to spend the rest of my life striving to be the best mother that I can be. I promised to never leave him and always be there when he needs me. I want him to know that I love him with every fiber of my being. I want him to know how wanted he is and how privaledged I am to have him as my son. He is the happiest baby. He is always smiling. That smile lights up my entire world. He adores his big sister and she feels the same about him. He has the brightest blue eyes that sparkle when he sees me. His laugh is contagious. And his ears.....wow! Dude got some massive ears, but they are adorable. He is perfect. I have made it my life's mission to love him and Reese with all that I have and raise them in a loving, Christian home. Yes, it will be unconventional, and it will be difficult to overcome the influences they will face in the other enviornment they will be exposed to, but I am convinced if I do what I should as a mother they will turn out just fine. Eight months ago, God answered another life long prayer by blessing me with Carson. I am eternally grateful for that. I cherish every minute I spend with him. I don't want to take one second for granted. I look forward to the future, but I am perfectly fine with living in these moments happening today. So happy 8 months to my sweet, perfect, baby boy. Mommy loves you monkey boy!