Letting Go of the Hate

No, pigs didn't fly and as far as I know Hell is still hot, but I DID talk to my ex-friend who is now living with my husband. She came with Paul to drop the kids off one day. My blood was boiling. I couldn't believe this piece of junk brought that huzzy to my house. I thought all the way to church how much I hated the two of them. I hated them for hurting me and my kids. I hated them for being able to be happy while I was in agony. I hated them for breathing. Once I got to church the lesson was on anger. I realized that I had focused too much on the people who hurt me. I had let the anger and hatred interfere with my relationship with God. I decided that I was letting it go. He was gone, I had known that for quite some time. Why was I wasting energy hating them? I was exhausted. It was time to give it up. Now, please don't get me wrong. This new epiphany was not going to result in double dates or cookouts with them. The best I can do at this point is stop hoping they contract a flesh eating virus or their eyeballs fall out. And guess who texted me the next day! Yep! Devil woman herself. What a coinkie dink! I answered her questions about Reese's Jessie doll and why her kids call me Pookie. Then I just came out and asked her, "How is it you can talk to me like this now, but on facebook and in public with your family and friends you hate me and berate me.?" We had a long chat via text messages, and got to the bottom of some rumors she had started and some issues that I had. Then, for the first time in 10 months (to the day, no doubt) I got a heartfelt apology from someone I used to consider a close friend. I'm not sure forgiveness is ever going to be possible. Even in the Bible for a person to earn forgiveness there has to be a change in the behavior or actions. For now, I can only let go of the hate and move forward with my life. I think this is another important step in the healing process. No, I'm not over it. If I never saw either of them again, I'd be just peachy. But I am so done with the obsessing over the how and when. I am sick of getting upset over people who obviously didn't care about me and who are a complete waste of my time and energy. Now, I am embracing my new life. I can start over and be whatever I want, including a little less bitter....just a little. :)

Downhill from here???

I haven't posted in a while, mainly due to not having access to internet. Another reason is I didn't want another depressing post so I just kept quiet. In the month of April, I had to reread all text messages from my husband and his girlfriend. I found messages from 3 weeks before he left telling me how much he loved me and never wants to lose me. I found messages from her telling me she wishes she could take the pain away and how she loved me and he would be back. I had to relive the entire situation. Then as soon as I turned the papers in to the lawyer I found out I was losing my house. I had to pack up 5 years worth of memories. I ran across cards Paul had given me, wedding presents we still hadn't used, and pictures of our life together. I found the scrapbook I made him the night before we got married. I opened a box that had ticket stubs, notes, and the boxes our wedding bands came in. I had to pack up my children and move them out of the only home they had known. Not to mention, I didn't really have a definite plan on where we were moving to. I decided to take them out to the country in Arkabutla and live with my Mimi. It's quiet there. No access to Facebook, which was driving me crazy. Barely a cell phone signal to be found. Somewhere I once called my home, would now be my children's home. The weekend we moved was also my fifth wedding anniversary. On that day, his girlfriend posted songs such as "Boom, I Got Your Boyfriend" and "Number One." She publically laughed and thought it was funny that she ended up with my husband. So needless to say, April was a rough month. I spent the entire month in the past. Remembering the good and reliving the pain. It felt like the day he walked out all over again, but just like I lived through last July, I lived through the month of April.

Well, April showers bring May flowers, right? It is finally May. Today is the ninth day of the month, and I am feeling much better. I am getting settled in our new home. I am taking the next step in the divorce preceedings. I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am digging myself out of this hole. People tell me all the time, "I don't know how you do it." Honestly, neither do I. I just do it. Sometimes it is still hard to make myself get out of bed, but I do it. It makes me want to puke to let him have my children, but I have to do it. There are days when I don't feel like being strong, but I just do it. Sounds like a Nike commercial, huh? But that's really how it goes. No secret really. I like having distractions, but they come and go. So, now that I have this new outlook and positive attitude, does that mean it's all downhill from here? Am I finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel? I know for a fact, the pain isn't over. The pain is going to be there. And the wanting him back has been gone, so I'm super great there. I'm pretty sure this divorce being final will be a weight lifted off my shoulders. I can really move on, in every sense of the word. I'll be free. CAN. NOT. WAIT. I'm so ready for the next chapter in my life. I have a clean slate; a new beginning. I learned a huge lesson about settling, and I won't do it again! My kids and I will have everything we deserve in life and I will make sure of it.