Downhill from here???

I haven't posted in a while, mainly due to not having access to internet. Another reason is I didn't want another depressing post so I just kept quiet. In the month of April, I had to reread all text messages from my husband and his girlfriend. I found messages from 3 weeks before he left telling me how much he loved me and never wants to lose me. I found messages from her telling me she wishes she could take the pain away and how she loved me and he would be back. I had to relive the entire situation. Then as soon as I turned the papers in to the lawyer I found out I was losing my house. I had to pack up 5 years worth of memories. I ran across cards Paul had given me, wedding presents we still hadn't used, and pictures of our life together. I found the scrapbook I made him the night before we got married. I opened a box that had ticket stubs, notes, and the boxes our wedding bands came in. I had to pack up my children and move them out of the only home they had known. Not to mention, I didn't really have a definite plan on where we were moving to. I decided to take them out to the country in Arkabutla and live with my Mimi. It's quiet there. No access to Facebook, which was driving me crazy. Barely a cell phone signal to be found. Somewhere I once called my home, would now be my children's home. The weekend we moved was also my fifth wedding anniversary. On that day, his girlfriend posted songs such as "Boom, I Got Your Boyfriend" and "Number One." She publically laughed and thought it was funny that she ended up with my husband. So needless to say, April was a rough month. I spent the entire month in the past. Remembering the good and reliving the pain. It felt like the day he walked out all over again, but just like I lived through last July, I lived through the month of April.

Well, April showers bring May flowers, right? It is finally May. Today is the ninth day of the month, and I am feeling much better. I am getting settled in our new home. I am taking the next step in the divorce preceedings. I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am digging myself out of this hole. People tell me all the time, "I don't know how you do it." Honestly, neither do I. I just do it. Sometimes it is still hard to make myself get out of bed, but I do it. It makes me want to puke to let him have my children, but I have to do it. There are days when I don't feel like being strong, but I just do it. Sounds like a Nike commercial, huh? But that's really how it goes. No secret really. I like having distractions, but they come and go. So, now that I have this new outlook and positive attitude, does that mean it's all downhill from here? Am I finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel? I know for a fact, the pain isn't over. The pain is going to be there. And the wanting him back has been gone, so I'm super great there. I'm pretty sure this divorce being final will be a weight lifted off my shoulders. I can really move on, in every sense of the word. I'll be free. CAN. NOT. WAIT. I'm so ready for the next chapter in my life. I have a clean slate; a new beginning. I learned a huge lesson about settling, and I won't do it again! My kids and I will have everything we deserve in life and I will make sure of it.