Dear Carson,
One year ago today the doctor laid a precious 7lb 2oz baby boy in my arms. I can't describe the feeling I felt when I looked at your chubby little cheeks and counted every finger and tiny little toe. I lifted your cap to see a full head of dark, soft hair. You looked a lot like your big sister did when she was born. I will never forget the pride that I felt. I was so proud to hold you after waiting so long for you. I didn't realize it till that second, but I had been waiting for you my whole life. The day before you were born some yucky grown up stuff happened that left mommy in a lot of pain and very scared, but when I held you close to me I forgot it all. It was like you were meant to save me from the hurt. You were my gift from God. You and your sister completed my life. When Daddy decided not to live with us anymore, I thought there was no way I could do it without him. I was so scared that I couldn't give you and Reese what you needed, but once I held you and felt your sweet little hand on my face I knew I would do whatever it took to give you and Reese the life that I promised you. In the past year, you have brought me so much joy and laughter. Your smile is what I live to wake up to each morning. When you say "Mama" my heart melts. Your sweet, slobbery kisses make my day, ever day! People tell me how strong I am and how I'm a good mom, but it's you and Reese who are the strong ones. The two of you make it easy to be a good mom. I named you after your Grandaddy because of his generosity, his strength, his love, and his forgiving heart. I hope that these are all qualities you will get from my amazing daddy. I hope that one day when you are old enough and you hear stories about before you were born and right after that you will be strong and loving and forgiving. I pray that you will not let the mistakes made by me and your father affect the relationship you have with either of us. I hope you never forget how loved you are, not just by me, but by lots and lots of people. There have been so many people who were there for us and helped us get through this past year. I love you Carson Wesley, and I plan on spending the the rest of my life showing you and Reese how thankful I am to have you. Thank you for giving me a reason to smile. Thank you for giving me hope and happiness again. Happy first birthday little man! Mommy loves you and will do everything in my power to protect you and give you the kind of life you deserve!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
A Two Day Emotionfest!
With the one year anniversary of my husband leaving and my son's birthday approaching, I am beginning to wonder what kind of emotional state I will be in. What am I going to feel, think, and remember? What thoughts are going to run through my head? I am sure both days will be bittersweet and full of memories.
Will I be mournful? Will I remember the husband that is now dead to me? I can see myself thinking back on the good times that we had, and digging up significant memories that we shared during our short marriage. Will I torture myself by reliving the day he left over and over in my head? As much as I don't want to think about it or dwell on the pain, there are always reminders that stop me dead in my tracks. Even on the best of days, something will cause my head to be flooded with thoughts of him and the life we would have had. Little things such as a movie, a song, something one of our children does or says. These things come from out of no where and catch me off guard. Granted they come less frequently than before, and their effect is less intense...but they are still there. They say mourning the end of my marriage and the death of the man that I married is healthy. It's just part of the process, right? So naturally, on the one year anniversary that he walked away from me, our family, and our life together I can only assume the pain will be more present on this day than most. It's scary, I used to hurt all the time. Now that I have become accustomed to being okay, is the pain going to be overwhelming? I feel like I'm waiting on a surgical procedure, unsure of how bad the recovery will be. Will it be a twinge of uncomfortableness here and there? Will I be in constant agony like before? How long will it last? How can I speed up the healing process?
Will I mourn the first few months of my baby's life? Those awful months that I can barely remember. Will I go back to the day he was born and the mix of emotions I felt that day. Will the guilt be stronger than it is every other day that goes by? It seems impossible that Carson will be one year old in four days. I missed out on so much with him, beginning with his birth. My head and my heart were on emotional overload. I was happy and excited to meet my son, but that was overshadowed by the tragedy that happened the day before. I was worried about his health. Had he been in distress too long. I had not slept the night before and stayed up all night crying. Did I hurt him? I was delighted to be able to tell my daddy I named my son after him, but scared to death to tell him my husband moved out the day before. I had to try to keep it a secret. For Carson's sake. I wanted him to be born into a happy family. I wanted every one's focus on the baby, not my ending marriage. I wanted so bad for Paul to hold him and realize that he made a mistake and there was no way he could walk away from us. My emotions were literally all over the place. Some birth day, huh? Luckily, Carson can't remember that day. He was happy, healthy, and beautiful. I missed out on the precious bonding that I had looked forward to for eight months. I couldn't hold him and stare at him with love and adoration. Don't get me wrong I loved that boy with all my heart, but I always felt like I was hurting him more by holding him. When I looked at him, I hurt, I cried, and I got angry. My husband had tarnished the entire process of bringing a baby into the world. Those first few months I was robbed of all the excitement of being a mommy to a newborn. Again, luckily Carson won't remember that either. Will this be what I think about the day my baby boy turns one? When he's blowing out his candle and making a mess with his cake will I be in tears? Will my heart break all over again because he was born a year ago into such awful circumstances?
Maybe I will be appreciative on these days. I have learned in the past year to be thankful for what I had and what I have. I had an amazing husband for four years and 3 months. I was married to the most loving, sincere, kind, and patient man. We had a good run. I have so many good memories that no one can take away from me. Our wedding day, Disney world, my first live NFL game, his first trip to the beach, getting him hooked on General Hospital, the night we met, and of course the birth of our daughter. He may have broken my heart, but before he did he made me a mommy. That trumps anything else. He made my dream come true. He gave me two perfect children. So, yeah I went through hell on earth for the past year but I have my memories and I have my kids. I have all I need, and I am eternally grateful for that. I can be appreciative of the fact that Carson was born, yeah it wasn't the best of circumstances, but he is here. He is healthy, and I have the rest of my life to love him. In the past year he and Reese have given me more joy than I can measure. They have pulled me through the darkest times and been the reason for the best of times. Hopefully, over the next few days I will be able to remember how lucky I have been. God has blessed me with so much. These anniversaries are an opportunity to remind me what I DO have, not what I DON'T have.
I am sure I will feel a sense of pride. Looking back at where I was then and how far I've come in a year, I am extremely proud of myself. I was a mess. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was disappointed when I woke up in the mornings and realized the world was still going on. I never considered ending my life, but I could definitely see how some people entertain the thought. I just wanted the pain to stop. I went from rock bottom to here in 362 days. I have worked hard to bring myself back, learn from the experience, and move forward. I am in the process of getting my degree in a field that I love. I am proud of my grades and my effort in school. Mostly, I am proud of the mother that I have become. I try everyday to be exactly what these kids need. I'm not perfect by any means, but I strive to be. When I was in that deep, dark place I never thought I would get out. I was so sure this was life now. I was afraid this was a permanent condition, but it wasn't. Slowly, I began to find my way out. I didn't do it alone, I had my kids, my family, and some incredible friends who helped me. I can be proud of my son. He is resilient, smart, and has gorgeous blue eyes that make me melt. He seems unphased by the chaos that has whirled around him since he came into the world. He is loving and gentle, but a tough little boy at the same time. So when the time comes for me to acknowledge the fact that a year ago my world fell apart, I pray that I realize that in one year I managed to put it back together. A year ago, a 7 lb 2 oz little boy was born in a less than perfect situation, but he was still able to grow into this awesome little man who has my heart!
Like I said, I don't really know what to expect to feel, but I hope that I am excited and optimistic. Excited about the end of all the firsts. I will have gone through every holiday, every major event, and even minor activities as a single mom. In the past year, I have experienced life without my husband. There are no more firsts looming in the future. I made it through Christmas, our anniversary, the first grocery shopping trip, a new home, and the signing of the divorce papers. From here on out I've been there and done that. I can move forward with out questions like the ones in this post. I can be excited that my baby is a year old and I can celebrate him. I can be optimistic for the future and this new life I have built. My fresh clean start will truly begin. The past year has molded me into a new person and I can see great things down the road. I can look beyond the pain caused from the past and see my goals being met. I have this gift of a second chance and a new appreciation for life and the blessings I have.
These two days will definitely be emotional and full of meaning. I will probably feel a little bit of everything. All I know for sure is that I have made it through some pretty traumatic stuff this year, so this should be a piece of cake!
Will I be mournful? Will I remember the husband that is now dead to me? I can see myself thinking back on the good times that we had, and digging up significant memories that we shared during our short marriage. Will I torture myself by reliving the day he left over and over in my head? As much as I don't want to think about it or dwell on the pain, there are always reminders that stop me dead in my tracks. Even on the best of days, something will cause my head to be flooded with thoughts of him and the life we would have had. Little things such as a movie, a song, something one of our children does or says. These things come from out of no where and catch me off guard. Granted they come less frequently than before, and their effect is less intense...but they are still there. They say mourning the end of my marriage and the death of the man that I married is healthy. It's just part of the process, right? So naturally, on the one year anniversary that he walked away from me, our family, and our life together I can only assume the pain will be more present on this day than most. It's scary, I used to hurt all the time. Now that I have become accustomed to being okay, is the pain going to be overwhelming? I feel like I'm waiting on a surgical procedure, unsure of how bad the recovery will be. Will it be a twinge of uncomfortableness here and there? Will I be in constant agony like before? How long will it last? How can I speed up the healing process?
Will I mourn the first few months of my baby's life? Those awful months that I can barely remember. Will I go back to the day he was born and the mix of emotions I felt that day. Will the guilt be stronger than it is every other day that goes by? It seems impossible that Carson will be one year old in four days. I missed out on so much with him, beginning with his birth. My head and my heart were on emotional overload. I was happy and excited to meet my son, but that was overshadowed by the tragedy that happened the day before. I was worried about his health. Had he been in distress too long. I had not slept the night before and stayed up all night crying. Did I hurt him? I was delighted to be able to tell my daddy I named my son after him, but scared to death to tell him my husband moved out the day before. I had to try to keep it a secret. For Carson's sake. I wanted him to be born into a happy family. I wanted every one's focus on the baby, not my ending marriage. I wanted so bad for Paul to hold him and realize that he made a mistake and there was no way he could walk away from us. My emotions were literally all over the place. Some birth day, huh? Luckily, Carson can't remember that day. He was happy, healthy, and beautiful. I missed out on the precious bonding that I had looked forward to for eight months. I couldn't hold him and stare at him with love and adoration. Don't get me wrong I loved that boy with all my heart, but I always felt like I was hurting him more by holding him. When I looked at him, I hurt, I cried, and I got angry. My husband had tarnished the entire process of bringing a baby into the world. Those first few months I was robbed of all the excitement of being a mommy to a newborn. Again, luckily Carson won't remember that either. Will this be what I think about the day my baby boy turns one? When he's blowing out his candle and making a mess with his cake will I be in tears? Will my heart break all over again because he was born a year ago into such awful circumstances?
Maybe I will be appreciative on these days. I have learned in the past year to be thankful for what I had and what I have. I had an amazing husband for four years and 3 months. I was married to the most loving, sincere, kind, and patient man. We had a good run. I have so many good memories that no one can take away from me. Our wedding day, Disney world, my first live NFL game, his first trip to the beach, getting him hooked on General Hospital, the night we met, and of course the birth of our daughter. He may have broken my heart, but before he did he made me a mommy. That trumps anything else. He made my dream come true. He gave me two perfect children. So, yeah I went through hell on earth for the past year but I have my memories and I have my kids. I have all I need, and I am eternally grateful for that. I can be appreciative of the fact that Carson was born, yeah it wasn't the best of circumstances, but he is here. He is healthy, and I have the rest of my life to love him. In the past year he and Reese have given me more joy than I can measure. They have pulled me through the darkest times and been the reason for the best of times. Hopefully, over the next few days I will be able to remember how lucky I have been. God has blessed me with so much. These anniversaries are an opportunity to remind me what I DO have, not what I DON'T have.
I am sure I will feel a sense of pride. Looking back at where I was then and how far I've come in a year, I am extremely proud of myself. I was a mess. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was disappointed when I woke up in the mornings and realized the world was still going on. I never considered ending my life, but I could definitely see how some people entertain the thought. I just wanted the pain to stop. I went from rock bottom to here in 362 days. I have worked hard to bring myself back, learn from the experience, and move forward. I am in the process of getting my degree in a field that I love. I am proud of my grades and my effort in school. Mostly, I am proud of the mother that I have become. I try everyday to be exactly what these kids need. I'm not perfect by any means, but I strive to be. When I was in that deep, dark place I never thought I would get out. I was so sure this was life now. I was afraid this was a permanent condition, but it wasn't. Slowly, I began to find my way out. I didn't do it alone, I had my kids, my family, and some incredible friends who helped me. I can be proud of my son. He is resilient, smart, and has gorgeous blue eyes that make me melt. He seems unphased by the chaos that has whirled around him since he came into the world. He is loving and gentle, but a tough little boy at the same time. So when the time comes for me to acknowledge the fact that a year ago my world fell apart, I pray that I realize that in one year I managed to put it back together. A year ago, a 7 lb 2 oz little boy was born in a less than perfect situation, but he was still able to grow into this awesome little man who has my heart!
Like I said, I don't really know what to expect to feel, but I hope that I am excited and optimistic. Excited about the end of all the firsts. I will have gone through every holiday, every major event, and even minor activities as a single mom. In the past year, I have experienced life without my husband. There are no more firsts looming in the future. I made it through Christmas, our anniversary, the first grocery shopping trip, a new home, and the signing of the divorce papers. From here on out I've been there and done that. I can move forward with out questions like the ones in this post. I can be excited that my baby is a year old and I can celebrate him. I can be optimistic for the future and this new life I have built. My fresh clean start will truly begin. The past year has molded me into a new person and I can see great things down the road. I can look beyond the pain caused from the past and see my goals being met. I have this gift of a second chance and a new appreciation for life and the blessings I have.
These two days will definitely be emotional and full of meaning. I will probably feel a little bit of everything. All I know for sure is that I have made it through some pretty traumatic stuff this year, so this should be a piece of cake!
Friday, July 8, 2011
I'm Pumped!
As cheesy as it sounds, I decieded to become a teacher in order to make a difference. I remember the teachers that made an impact in my life and I want to do that for my students. I always cheer for the underdog. I want to take the child that doesn't have a chance and give them that chance. I just watched a video of my professor who has cerebral palsy. She was told at the age of 5 that she would never go to school. She is now teaching Intro to Special Education for Ole Miss. She can't walk, has limited control of her hands, and can barely talk; but this woman fought her way in and through school. She mentions some of the educators who helped her and changed her life. I want to be that teacher. I want to influence students to do better in order to give themselves more opportunities later in life. I want to convince the kid who gets run down at home that he is worth something and capable of whatever he sets his mind to. I want to show the girl with ADHD that with certain strategies and techniques, she can use her "disorder" to her advantage. I always say I was born to be a mom. Well, what better way to use my talents than be a teacher? The pay is awful, the benefits are probably not that great, and the lunch is nasty; but the rewards are lifelong. I want to witness that a-ha moment when the kids comprehend a skill that I taught them. I want to teach my students lessons they will carry with them to high school. I've also been researching Asperger's Syndrome for this same class, and there is a part of me that thinks I would love to deal with special education students. I am facinated by this disorder and the functionality of it. Children with Asperger's are often bright and some even wind up in gifted classes. I'm not sure about being strictly a special education teacher, but I do know I will welcome the opportunity to teach in an inclusive enviornment. I believe it is extremely important, not only to the children WITH the disabilities, but to the ones WITHOUT as well. We need to teach our children to be sensitive, supportive, and accepting of those with disabilities. I do not feel that sticking special education students in a seperate room all day teaches that concept.
Anyway, after watching that video and seeing what all Dr. Harper had to go through...the heartache, the setbacks, the skeptics...I know I can do this. I feel ridiculous and selfish for thinking I couldn't finish school just because I had a crappy husband who left me as a single mom. I know I can do this, and I am more determined than ever to reach my goals and be that teacher that makes a difference.
Anyway, after watching that video and seeing what all Dr. Harper had to go through...the heartache, the setbacks, the skeptics...I know I can do this. I feel ridiculous and selfish for thinking I couldn't finish school just because I had a crappy husband who left me as a single mom. I know I can do this, and I am more determined than ever to reach my goals and be that teacher that makes a difference.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Here I Go Again On My Own...Chapter Two
Well, I did it. I got divorced. Even though my marriage had been over for almost a year, last Friday I signed the official documents that dissolved the vows and promises we made to each other. I was pretty emotional that day. I cried all the way to the court house. I sent my ex a text telling him it was the last time I could call him my husband and pleaded with him to be the man he wanted. I told him he was better than this, and better than her. I told him to never give up on the dreams he had and that I hoped he found his way again. Blah. Blah. Blah. 30 minutes later he was accusing me of everything under the moon. I apparently leave my kids any and everywhere, go out of town with my friends' husbands (dripping with irony, huh?), as well as bought myself a Tahoe that I never got to drive. Anyway, I gave in on the money so I could get my kids every Christmas morning and sole legal and physical custody. I can move anywhere in the world I wanna move and I have complete control and care of my babies. I got everything I wanted! I even got the stupid TV that he wanted so bad. He told me after the lawyers left that I really hurt him with the TV. Really?!? Dude, are you serious?!?! I hurt you? Then he called me selfish. At this point I was beyond ready to scribble my name on those papers and get out of there. Since then, I haven't cried. I haven't felt anything, but relief and excitement for the future. I have been dealing with this for so long. Friday was like a huge, deadbeat, lowdown, lying, cheating weight had been lifted off my chest.
So on to chapter two!! I'm excited about my new life with my kids. I have some awesome things in store for us as a family. I plan on focusing on being the best mom I can and getting through school. I couldn't help but think about the past year as I was signing those papers. The pain, the disappointment, and especially the progress I have made. I'm not one for complimenting myself...EVER, but I have done a pretty decent job of not going insane and muddling through this train wreck. I kept trying to save my marriage until I was comfortable letting go. Once I realized I didn't want it anymore either, I was able to move forward and start the healing process. I know that I am not 1oo% in the clear. I am sure at some point it will all hit me and it may still be hard at times. But when I look back at where I was 11.5 months ago or even 6 or 7 months ago, I know I will be fine. I made it through those dark and intensely painful months, I can make it through anything this divorce has left for me. I'm ready, bring it on. I got this. I am thrilled to think of the new doors that have been opened to me. Life took me down a road I didn't understand, and I still don't get it completely. One day I will. One of these days I will say "Huh, that's what I've been waiting on." This new chapter will be full of learning experiences, goals being met, and dreams coming true. Of course life wouldn't be complete without some heartache. Like I said though, after what I've been through I have faith that I can make it through anything.
So if you can bare it, stay tuned for the next exciting chapter in the story of a single mom with two amazing kids who keep me on my toes and make life interesting.
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