A Two Day Emotionfest!

With the one year anniversary of my husband leaving and my son's birthday approaching, I am beginning to wonder what kind of emotional state I will be in. What am I going to feel, think, and remember? What thoughts are going to run through my head? I am sure both days will be bittersweet and full of memories.

Will I be mournful? Will I remember the husband that is now dead to me? I can see myself thinking back on the good times that we had, and digging up significant memories that we shared during our short marriage. Will I torture myself by reliving the day he left over and over in my head? As much as I don't want to think about it or dwell on the pain, there are always reminders that stop me dead in my tracks. Even on the best of days, something will cause my head to be flooded with thoughts of him and the life we would have had. Little things such as a movie, a song, something one of our children does or says. These things come from out of no where and catch me off guard. Granted they come less frequently than before, and their effect is less intense...but they are still there. They say mourning the end of my marriage and the death of the man that I married is healthy. It's just part of the process, right? So naturally, on the one year anniversary that he walked away from me, our family, and our life together I can only assume the pain will be more present on this day than most. It's scary, I used to hurt all the time. Now that I have become accustomed to being okay, is the pain going to be overwhelming? I feel like I'm waiting on a surgical procedure, unsure of how bad the recovery will be. Will it be a twinge of uncomfortableness here and there? Will I be in constant agony like before? How long will it last? How can I speed up the healing process?

Will I mourn the first few months of my baby's life? Those awful months that I can barely remember. Will I go back to the day he was born and the mix of emotions I felt that day. Will the guilt be stronger than it is every other day that goes by? It seems impossible that Carson will be one year old in four days. I missed out on so much with him, beginning with his birth. My head and my heart were on emotional overload. I was happy and excited to meet my son, but that was overshadowed by the tragedy that happened the day before. I was worried about his health. Had he been in distress too long. I had not slept the night before and stayed up all night crying. Did I hurt him? I was delighted to be able to tell my daddy I named my son after him, but scared to death to tell him my husband moved out the day before. I had to try to keep it a secret. For Carson's sake. I wanted him to be born into a happy family. I wanted every one's focus on the baby, not my ending marriage. I wanted so bad for Paul to hold him and realize that he made a mistake and there was no way he could walk away from us. My emotions were literally all over the place. Some birth day, huh? Luckily, Carson can't remember that day. He was happy, healthy, and beautiful. I missed out on the precious bonding that I had looked forward to for eight months. I couldn't hold him and stare at him with love and adoration. Don't get me wrong I loved that boy with all my heart, but I always felt like I was hurting him more by holding him. When I looked at him, I hurt, I cried, and I got angry. My husband had tarnished the entire process of bringing a baby into the world. Those first few months I was robbed of all the excitement of being a mommy to a newborn. Again, luckily Carson won't remember that either. Will this be what I think about the day my baby boy turns one? When he's blowing out his candle and making a mess with his cake will I be in tears? Will my heart break all over again because he was born a year ago into such awful circumstances?

Maybe I will be appreciative on these days. I have learned in the past year to be thankful for what I had and what I have. I had an amazing husband for four years and 3 months. I was married to the most loving, sincere, kind, and patient man. We had a good run. I have so many good memories that no one can take away from me. Our wedding day, Disney world, my first live NFL game, his first trip to the beach, getting him hooked on General Hospital, the night we met, and of course the birth of our daughter. He may have broken my heart, but before he did he made me a mommy. That trumps anything else. He made my dream come true. He gave me two perfect children. So, yeah I went through hell on earth for the past year but I have my memories and I have my kids. I have all I need, and I am eternally grateful for that. I can be appreciative of the fact that Carson was born, yeah it wasn't the best of circumstances, but he is here. He is healthy, and I have the rest of my life to love him. In the past year he and Reese have given me more joy than I can measure. They have pulled me through the darkest times and been the reason for the best of times. Hopefully, over the next few days I will be able to remember how lucky I have been. God has blessed me with so much. These anniversaries are an opportunity to remind me what I DO have, not what I DON'T have.

I am sure I will feel a sense of pride. Looking back at where I was then and how far I've come in a year, I am extremely proud of myself. I was a mess. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was disappointed when I woke up in the mornings and realized the world was still going on. I never considered ending my life, but I could definitely see how some people entertain the thought. I just wanted the pain to stop. I went from rock bottom to here in 362 days. I have worked hard to bring myself back, learn from the experience, and move forward. I am in the process of getting my degree in a field that I love. I am proud of my grades and my effort in school. Mostly, I am proud of the mother that I have become. I try everyday to be exactly what these kids need. I'm not perfect by any means, but I strive to be. When I was in that deep, dark place I never thought I would get out. I was so sure this was life now. I was afraid this was a permanent condition, but it wasn't. Slowly, I began to find my way out. I didn't do it alone, I had my kids, my family, and some incredible friends who helped me. I can be proud of my son. He is resilient, smart, and has gorgeous blue eyes that make me melt. He seems unphased by the chaos that has whirled around him since he came into the world. He is loving and gentle, but a tough little boy at the same time. So when the time comes for me to acknowledge the fact that a year ago my world fell apart, I pray that I realize that in one year I managed to put it back together. A year ago, a 7 lb 2 oz little boy was born in a less than perfect situation, but he was still able to grow into this awesome little man who has my heart!

Like I said, I don't really know what to expect to feel, but I hope that I am excited and optimistic. Excited about the end of all the firsts. I will have gone through every holiday, every major event, and even minor activities as a single mom. In the past year, I have experienced life without my husband. There are no more firsts looming in the future. I made it through Christmas, our anniversary, the first grocery shopping trip, a new home, and the signing of the divorce papers. From here on out I've been there and done that. I can move forward with out questions like the ones in this post. I can be excited that my baby is a year old and I can celebrate him. I can be optimistic for the future and this new life I have built. My fresh clean start will truly begin. The past year has molded me into a new person and I can see great things down the road. I can look beyond the pain caused from the past and see my goals being met. I have this gift of a second chance and a new appreciation for life and the blessings I have.

These two days will definitely be emotional and full of meaning. I will probably feel a little bit of everything. All I know for sure is that I have made it through some pretty traumatic stuff this year, so this should be a piece of cake!