Better or Bitter???

I wasn't even sure if I should post something.  It has been an embarrassing long time since I posted anything at all.  Life has been extremely busy since my last post.  I spent the spring semester observing a kindergarten class two days a week and taking night classes 4 nights a week.  I took two classes over the summer, and in August I began my last semester at Ole Miss.  Which means I am planning and teaching full time until the end of November, not to mention my assignments for my classes.  I've also been able to do a little traveling since last year.  I went to the mountains in Gatlinburg.  I was lucky enough to go to the beach in Florida three times this summer.  I also went to Atlanta to see the Chipper Jones Farewell game.  Chipper has been my favorite baseball player since I was 14 years old.  It was overwhelming to be able to experience that.  I went to a number of concerts, met new friends, watched the Giants win the Superbowl and the Cardinals win the World Series and make it back to the League Championship Series this year, spent countless hours enjoying my children, spent about the same amount of hours chasing Carson out of stuff, and began working at a fabulous hair salon with some amazing girls.

So as I'm sitting here recollecting, and typing all these experiences it's even more clear that I have come a long way in the past two years and three months.  I am about to graduate.  As in, no more school, and a job!  After graduation, I am taking my babies to Disney World with my cousin and her family.  Then who knows...the world's wide open.  My point is that I did it.  I picked up the pieces.  Looks like I put them back together too.  Two years later I'm all better.....well, I wouldn't go that far.  See what I wasn't aware of is that when you put yourself back together, you apparently don't put the pieces back the same way.  So, here I am all put back together, but I'm different.  I am a totally different person than I was before my family was ripped apart.  In many ways I'm better.  I'm stronger, I'm more determined, I'm definitely smarter.  I'm a different mother in good ways and not so good ways.  I loose my patience more, but that may be due to Carson being in his terrible two's.  Check back with me on that one.  I appreciate a lot of the changes I see in myself.  I loathe the rest of them.   I wouldn't call me bitter...ok, maybe I would.  I'm mad.  I get mad when I see a family out in public.  I'm mad that that woman's husband didn't cheat on her and leave her with two small kids to figure it out on her own.  I'm mad that I can't let people get close to me.  I'm just not a big fan of people anymore.  I don't trust them and have zero faith in them.  I didn't choose to turn out like this.  It's not like I woke up one morning and said, "Hey, I think I'll hate everyone because my ex-husband was a cheating slime ball, and my ex-best friend was a lying, evil troll."  I don't really hate everybody, just mad.  So yeah, I guess I would call me bitter.  So, the moral of the story is while the pieces are picked up and they are put back together that doesn't mean everything is all better.  Divorce changes people.  Betrayal and deception change people.  Some good and some bad.  I guess I just have to keep working at it.  I should probably check on getting a therapist.  Maybe they can fix what I messed up.  ;)  Aside from being angry, I still have my moments where the pain resurfaces.  Doesn't hurt like it used to, and it doesn't last as long as it did back then.  Different things set me off these days.  Two years ago, a car commercial could trigger a major meltdown.  These days it's more about the kids than anything.  Obviously I'm better off, but are my kids?  Four year olds can ask some pretty deep questions.  I'm never prepared for the questions.  It stings a little bit to have to figure out how to explain things to a child when I don't even understand it.  I also have a twisted way of justifying things now.  I don't really know where it came from, but it's my least favorite of my new character traits.  So now my goal is to reaarange the pieces so that I'm the person I want to be.  I'm thankful for most of the changes and very thankful that I've come this far.  I am also super excited about life these days.  Life is good even for the crazy people! :)