It was Sunday, July 18. It was so hot and muggy. I was so over being pregnant. Once we got home from church I couldn't take it anymore. Paul had been so distant and weird for the past week. I had begged him to tell me what was going on. He kept saying it was the fact that he lost his job again. I knew it was more, and deep down I knew it was bad. I had pulled over on the side of the road Friday night bawling. I wanted him to tell me what was wrong. I wanted him to talk to me. I wanted my husband to tell me everything was going to be ok. I wanted to be wrong.
I did some digging when I got home. Something wasn't right. Something about the way he had been with Ashley on Wednesday night. He picked her up and twirled her around the room. I threw up in my mouth. Something about the way he answered the phone the Friday before when I was in Arkabutla for a baby shower for our unborn son. I was expecting him to be with his brothers for guys' night or with Dusty his bff hanging out. "I'm at Ashley's watching a movie." These words sent chills up my spine, but I didn't react to them. I told him to tell her I said hi and that I loved him and would see him tomorrow. There was something about the numerous times that he had to leave abruptly to take her milk or a movie. There was something about the day she needed him to come babysit for her....and she never left the house. There was definitely something but I had no reason to not trust my husband and my dear friend. So I checked the phone records. He had talked to her all night the night before and the night before that and the day before that. Tons of texts back and forth between the two. Phone calls that were interupted by me where continued the second I hung up. Hours of conversation in the past week. He had avoided me for this same length of time. I knew. I knew then but wouldn't accept it.
I asked him about all the calls and texts. His words...."I haven't cheated on you with Ashley or anyone else for that matter, but I'm not happy and I haven't been in a long time." Those words will never disappear from my memory. The feeling that I felt...I can still feel it if I let myself. I immediately started thinking back to moments that proved he had to be wrong. Our anniversary 3 months earlier. On the beach in Alabama, only two months earlier. The date we went on 3 weeks earlier. How could he say he's been unhappy for a year and I had no idea??? We talked a few minutes the end result was he was going to stay at his moms and hopefully he would miss me and come home. THAT was his plan??!??! THAT was how we were going to do this?!?! So I told him to leave before my baby girl woke up. I did not want her to see me crying and him walking out. He was knelt down at the end of the bed and I was sitting at the head of the bed near the door. He stood up, put his head down, got to the door and mumbled, "I'm sorry." and walked out of our home and shut the door. He was gone. I broke. I laid there crying and thinking to myself, "So this is what this feels like?"
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