Plan B

When I got married, I got married for life. To me, marriage is forever. It's not just a piece of paper or a trial run. I had planned on spending the rest of my life with Paul and our children. I was going to finish school next May. I would be teaching by the time Reese started school. We would buy a bigger house, have one more baby, and get a SUV. We had vacations planned, movies we wanted to see, and concerts we wanted to go to. Madden weekend was coming up in August. There were years of Cuddle Fests, trips to the zoo, anniversaries, and family portraits to come. Then in one day that plan was blown. All the plans we made were no longer options for me. So how do you come up with a plan B? I started small. I planned the next hour for a while. In time I was able to move up to the next day. These days I can make short term plans, but nothing spectacular. The life I knew was over. Everything was different. Part of me was gone, and I couldn't function. Planning supper made me want to throw up. Making decisions was never my strong point, but now it was impossible. I made lists, with my Sharpies of course. I made lists of priorities, lists of things to do, list of ways I could get him back, lists of how to fix me. It all made more sense in different colored Sharpie ink. So, my plan B started forming. I would continue with school. I had to hurry up and finish so I could find a job that would allow me to support me and the kids. I would attempt to stay in my house and do this myself. I wanted to avoid as much change as I could for Reese's sake...and mine. Sadly, that's as far as I have gotten with my new plan. I'm not sure where we will live six months from now. I have no idea how long I can keep my job. Right now, I know that tomorrow we are having lasagna for supper. I know that Friday Paul will pick the kids up at 5:00 for his weekend. I know that from here on out I will do whatever I have to in order to provide my children with the life that I want them to have. They will always come first. That plan is good enough for me.

Speaking of changing plans. What gives him the right to completely call an audible? His name is not Peyton Manning. How is it fair to change the play after the hand off? He made me so many promises. He made these plans with me, then left. Now he is making plans with her, and I'm left to suffer. It breaks my heart that I have to miss every other weekend with my children because he decided to up and leave. That wasn't my choice, why should I lose time with my kids? Why should I lose my home...our home? Why should I struggle to make ends meet? It's wrong of me, but I want him to suffer. I want him to hurt. He did this. He was wrong, yet he is living it up with a new family. He gets to swoop in every now and then and play with the kids for a bit then bring them back. He doesn't deal with the real stuff. The sickness, the discipline, the nurturing, the financial support...all that is not his responsibility anymore. I am good though. I am determined to be a good mom to these babies. I am determined to make myself a better person. I am determined to make it through this. I am determined to come up with a plan B and enjoy my new life.