Bouncing...

I watched this movie years ago called Bounce. Not a very good movie at all. I only watched it because it had Ben Affleck in it. It was way to much of a chick flick for me. Anyway, in the movie a woman's husband dies in a plane crash. Her friend tells her the plane crashed, not her. She tells her she has to bounce. Later in the movie, the woman tells someone, "That's what I've been doing...bouncing. It's like crashing, but you get to do it over and over again." Well that's what I am doing. I am bouncing. The lows are awful. They come from out of no where and sometimes for no reason at all. I find myself wondering how in the world this happened. I miss the life I had before. I wonder what it would have been like as a family of four with our little girl and baby boy. I dread our upcoming anniversary. I experience firsts without him all the time. Then there are the highs. Just when I get comfortable in this rut of self pity and sleepless nights, something happens. Maybe a small something or a big something. Maybe a string of somethings, but somehow I always bounce back up. A lot of the times it is something my precious Reese says, or the smile on my baby Carson's face. Maybe a phone call from my favorite person in the world, or dinner with my oldest and bestest friend. Things just start to come together for me and I see all the positives of this situation. Last week was hard. I don't remember what brought it on, but I cried a lot. I missed my husband a lot, and I asked "Why?" a whole lot. I get so used to doing well and not hurting as much that when it does hit...it hits HARD! I miss my old life. I miss having someone to share my life with and talk with. I see my baby girl's face when she tells me she is sad and wants her daddy to come home. The pain is almost unbearable for a little bit. It reminds me of the day he left. The physical pain in my chest comes back. The uncontrolable crying starts again. It all comes flooding back. It doesn't happen often, and it is pretty random when it does. On Monday, I found out I got back into the education program at Ole Miss. This means if I work extra hard and do well in all my classes, I could be teaching in Fall of 2012. I was so excited and proud of myself. I did that without him. In spite of being broken and alone, I accomplished something for myself and my children. The future, and I mean the NEAR future was looking brighter. I have also come to realize that I have not been bouncing alone. Sometimes, I feel so alone I can't stand it. That could not be further from the truth though. I have some of the most amazing people supporting me, encouraging me, and helping me. I have become closer to some very fabulous people because of my situation, people that have been through similar situations in their lives. I have had people offer to keep my babies to let me get errands done. People have brought me groceries, cooked me dinners, listened to me cry, made me laugh, bought things for my kids and even for me. None of this surprises me about these people, because I know the extent of their kindness. What surprises me, is that I am lucky enough to have so many of these people in my life. I would not be where I am now, as well as I am now, without the people God has put in my life. I am grateful beyond words for my family and friends that have done so much for me. I have my own cheering section! I know that I can do this and it means the world to me that I have people in my life who believe I can do it. These people help me bounce. They are there for the highs and the lows.